Rosewicket Wicca Coven

Just for fun...Don't take any of it TOO seriously...

Pagan Lightbulb Jokes

How many witches does it take to change a light bulb?

What do you want it changed into?

How many toads does it take to change a lightbulb?

One, if you can remember which one used to be an electrician.

How many solitary witches does it take to change a light bulb?

(If they actually ask 'how many?', drum your fingers and stare at them as you wait for them to grasp the obvious.)

How many Aries' does it take to change a light bulb?

Only one, but it takes a hell of a lot of light bulbs.

How many Taurus' does it take to change a light bulb?

What, me move?

How many Gemini does it take to change a light bulb?

2

How many Cancers does it take to change a light bulb?

Only one, but he has to bring his mother.

How many Leos does it take to change a light bulb?

Twelve, one to change the bulb and eleven to applaud.

How many Virgos does it take to change a light bulb?

One to clean out the socket, one to dust the bulb, one to install, and two engineers to check the work.

How many Libras does it take to change a light bulb?

Libras cant decide if the bulb needs changed.

How many Scorpios does it take to change a light bulb?

None. They LIKE the dark.

How many Sagittarians does it take to change a light bulb?

One to install the bulb, and a Virgo to pick up the pieces.

How many Capricorns does it take to change a light bulb?

The light's fine as it is.

How many Aquarians does it take to change a light bulb?

Have you asked the bulb if it WANTS to be changed?

How many Pisceans does it take to change a light bulb?

What light bulb?

10 Ways to make a Witch Angry

1. Ask them if they are Satan worshippers.

2. Rearrange their altar so it will look neat.

3. Blow out their altar candle if it is still daylight.

4. Pick up their pretty rocks for a closer look.

5. Sharpen their dull black-handled knife.

6. Tell them about "true religion."

7. Untie the knots in their cord.

8. Take hold of their jewelry for a closer look.

9. Play card games with their Tarot cards.

10. Ask them if they are Satan worshippers.

AND What do you say to an angry off witch?

RIBBITT!

The Diary of a Familliar...

Dog

8:00am OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!

9:30am OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!

9:40am OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!

10:30am OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!

11:30am OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!

12:00pm OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!

1:00pm OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!

4:00pm OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!

5:00pm OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!

5:30pm OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!

6:00pm OH BOY! PLAYING BALL! MY FAVORITE!

6:30 pm OH BOY! SLEEPING ON MY PEOPLE'S BED! MY FAVORITE!

...Or Cat:

Day 183

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre, dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from destroying the occasional piece of furniture. Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded. Must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again vomited on their favorite chair, must try this on their bed.

I decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in an attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They told me what a "good kitty" I was. That did not go according to plan.

I am convinced that the other captives are flunkies and perhaps snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird on the other hand, has got to be an informant, he speaks with them regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room, his safety is assured. But I can wait.......it's only a matter of time

"Why did the Chicken Cross The Road?"  Let's ask a Pagan...

Alexandrian/Gardnerian:

To reveal this would be to break my oath of secrecy. I can say, though, that it really is an ancient rite, dating far back in time, back even before 1951, and I have learned it from an unbroken lineage. As Gerald said, it takes a chicken to make an egg.

Asatru:

First, we don't believe in a "One Chicken" or a "Hen and Rooster." We believe in many chickens. Second, "crossing the road" is part of the three levels, or worlds, and the chicken simply crossed from one level to another. Hail to the Chickens!

British Traditional:

The word "chicken" comes from a very specific Old English word ("gechekken"), and it only properly applies to certain fowl of East Anglia or those descended therefrom. As for the rest, I suppose they are doing something remotely similar to crossing the road, but you must remember that traditional roads are not to be confused with the modern roads....

Celtic:

In County Feedbeygohn on Midsummer's day, there is still practiced St. Henny's Dance, which is a survival of the old pagan Chicken Crossing fertility rite.

Today, modern pagans are reviving the practice, dedicated to the Hen and the Green Rooster.

Ceremonial:

"Crossing the road" is a phrase that summarizes many magical structures erected and timed by the chicken to produce the energy necessary for the intention of the travel across the road. For example, the astrological correspondences had to be correct, the moon had to be waxing (if the chicken intended to come to the other side of the road) or waning (if the chicken intended to flee to the other side of the road), and the chicken had to prepare herself through fasting and proper incantations. Note: certain forms of invocation (summoning an egg *inside* your chicken self) can produce abnormal or

even dangerous eggs and should only be conducted inside a properly erected barnyard. ...

Chaos:

Thinking in terms of "roads" and "crossings" is simply looking at the formal, typically perceived structure of chicken crossing space-time. We, instead, focus on the possibility of chicken crossing itself; what appears to be a random act is thus actually the norm ---- it is the road which is the freak of chance. Indeed, quantum mechanics now demonstrates what we knew all along: two roads can simultaneously

exist in the same place at the same time. Thus, by attuning ourselves to the dynamic energy (called "crossing"), we can manifest the road. Of

course, to the unknowledgeable, this appears as a chicken crossing the road.

Dianic:

The chykyn ("chicken" is term of patriarchal oppression) sought to reclaim for herself the right to be on the other side of the road, after it had been denied to her for centuries. By doing so, she reawakened the power of the Hen within herself.

Discordian:

cock-a-doodle-doo!

Druid:

To get to the sacred grove, of course! Keep in mind that 99% of everything written about chickens-crossing-the-road is pure hogwash, based on biased sources. Yes, there were a few unfortunate chicken sacrifices in the past, but that is over now...

Eclectic:

Because it seemed right to her at the time. She used some Egyptian style corn and a Celtic sounding word for the road and incorporated some Native American elements into her Corn-name, Chicken-Who-Dances-and-Runs-with-the-Wolves.

Faery:

In twilight times and under sparkling stars, those properly trained can still see the chickens crossing the roads. Reconnecting with these "fey-fowl" as they cross is crucial to restoring the balance between the energies of modern development and living with the earth.

Family Traditional:

Growing up, we didn't think much about "crossing the road." A chicken was a chicken. It crossed the road because that was what worked to get her to the other side. We focused on what worked, and we worked more with the elders of the barnyard and less with all this "guardians of the chickencoop" business. We didn't get our concepts of "chickens" or "the other side" from Gardner, either. You can choose not to believe us since we did not "scratch down" on paper what was clucked to us orally (which, at certain times in history, was the only way to avoid becoming Easter chicken soup!), but that doesn't change the facts: there were real chickens, and they really did cross the road!

Kitchen Witch:

The chicken crossed the road to get food, to get a rooster or to get away from me after I decided to have chicken for supper!

Left Hand Path:

White, fluffy chickens prancing across the road! Do you think that is all there is to crossing the road? Do you dare to know the Dark Side of crossing the road and the other path to self-development?

New Age:

The chicken crossed the road because she chose this as one her lessons to learn in this life. Besides, there was so much incense and bright, white corn to explore on the Other Side.

Newbie:

well, 'cause I read in this really kewl book that said, like, chickens are supposed to cross the road, right?

Posting on an Online Discussion Group:

What do you mean ???!!!??? Haven't you read any of the previous posts? We've been debating every word of that question, painstakingly trying to come to some kind of answer. I know you wrote Was: "why chickens cross the road, I'm not looking for any chicken spells" but I'm fed up with newbies who can't even bother to REEEEEEEEAAADDD the posts on that very topic! No, this is not a flame. But, I and several others here have the maturity to properly explore and respond to this question, and we were properly trained; we didn't just read a book and think we were full-fledged chickens.

Solitaire:

The chicken didn't want to be part of a coven or stuffed in an oven.

Shaman:

Crossing the road is a way to reconnect with the healing, visionary lifeways of the past. Chickens have long known this, but increasingly the Rooster's Movement is adding more roosters to the crossings too.

Snert:

Hey, are you guys really chickens? Can you give me a spell that will make a chicken cross the road?

Wiccan:

The chicken crossed the road because she felt like she was finally "coming home." She could do it alone or with others, but she had to call to the Guardians of the Watchtowers of the Barnyard first ... uhm, after casting the circle.

That was good. Love the cat captured - so true. And yes, everyone please keep the hands off the crystal around my neck unless you want to turn green and ribbit!  I spend so much time re-charging and cleansing from "let me touch" that I am not sure if any of my energy is in the thing anymore. My crystal must think I am bi-polar - "put engergy in/ take out/ no put energy in/ no take out"  LOL

And forget wearing it to work (when I was working). How do you tell someone at work, "no I don't want you to touch it". Then explain why (when they r jus being nice) Explain why and they will head up to HR to see if you elected medical insurane this year. LOL

I know what you mean. My little sister used to think that because my pentacle had a piece of cloudy moonstone in it, that she could grab it, play with it, and ask to see the future in it...

A Satire, the White Light Fluffy Coven Aplication from H-E-double-hockey-sticks...

The Mystical Wiccan Coven Grove of the Glittery Butterfly Unicorn of Magical Healing and Holy White Light of Divine Spiritual Spiffiness and Enchanted Smiling Faerie Goddess of the Brilliant Light of Wonderfulness is Currently accepting applications.

Hi! On behalf of the MWCGGBUMHHWDSSESFGBLW group, I'd just like to say...Hi! We're a loving, accepting group of Eclectic Wiccans who worship the LIGHT! We believe that you can't hurt anything, because the Rede says so! So we don't eat animals, because animals are people TOO! You know those meanies say that plants are alive too but they're just huffy because they're carnivorous and angry and not enlightened like us. But you look like a really NEAT person! You just might be PERFECT to join our group!

At MWCGGBUMHHWDSSESFGBLW, we believe that the God and Goddess have always watched over us, since thousands and thousands of years ago when everyone was Wiccan and bisexual and nothing bad happened and everyone lived in peace and harmony eating only fruits and berries and frolicking merrily through the summer fields. And they watched over us when the Bad Men came and conquered our peaceful ancestors and forced them to do horrible things like worship male deities and eat meat. And then they watched over us still when MILLIONS AND MILLIONS OF WOMEN AND CATS BURNED AT THE STAKE FOR THEIR FREEEEDOM!!!!

Anyway. Teehee! So the God and Goddess love each other, and they love you too, even if you don't think they love you, because they do love you, and we love you, and we love everyone, except the mean people who disagree with us. But we love them anyway!! Even though they're mean!!!

But the God and Goddess know who we really are, and I've been Wiccan for all my lives, so I know everything firsthand, you know?

Those sillyheads and their stupid "books" and "facts," yanno? What the heck are THEY so riled up about? I would SO think I know better than them, 'cause I was Cleopatra in one life and then this one other time I was this Druid priestess so like I remember all those lives because I'm enlightened.

MWCGGBUMHHWDSSESFGBLW has this Book of Shadows that was passed down from my mother's mother's mother's mother's mother's mother's mother's mother's mother's mother's mother's mother's mother's mother's mother's mother's mother's mother's mother's mother's mother's mother's mother's mother's mother's mother's mother's mother's mother's mother's mother's mother's mother's mother. And it was first written by my first incarnation in that one ancient place thingy in that cool swirly language. Yea. It's really cool.

I'd tell you more but um you have to be one of us to know so just fill out these few questions so we can make you one of us and then we'll tell you the secrets of the universe and give you a neat bumper sticker. If you answer no to any of these questions, maybe we're not right for you, but that's okay...when you stop being a regular human and maybe get reborn as a Witch like us ('cause see we were all born with all these powers because we were chosen and that's why we're all together because only special Natural Witches like us can have covens) we'll let you try again. Because we love you.

1. Do you watch The Craft religiously?

2. Do you only eat plants?

3. Do you swear to worship ONLY the Light????

4. Isn't Heath Ledger hot?

5. No really, I'm sooo totally serious, don't you think he's like maybe the reincarnation of Adonis or something?

6. Aren't bunnies cute?

7. Aren't Xtians just sooo totally sucky?

8. Can you proof it, hnu?

Thank you for applying, we hope to hear from you SOOOON!!!

Love and light and fluffy truffled lollipop ice cream cuddly snuggly wuggly huggles!!!

-High Priestess Lady Moondrip Snowdancer Cloud Cover Cold Front With a 50% Chance Of Rain Treewalker Silver Daydream Sunshine Fluff

Lmao omg chi my lungs XD i love the coven one brilliant and the cat hahaha soo amazingly true priceless

Safe Witch Kit

Want to be a Witch, yet don't want dangerous items in your home? We've assembled this comprehensive kit to meet the beginning Witch's needs, without compromising safety.

Includes:

1 Rubber Athame. Painted black handle, silver blade. Very flexible. You can swing this about in Circle with no fears about hurting anyone!

Exclusive! The incredible Collapse-a-Wand! Hand-wrought of authentic wood-grained expanded foam, with a special adhesive patch for attaching the Power Stone of your choice (see below).

2 Battery-operated Candles (1 black, 1 white). No more concerns about flowing gowns catching fire.

1 package Glade Stick-ems. Fresh, floral scent, without the concerns of burning incense. No messy ash to clean up!

1 shaker of Mrs. Dash. Get all the flavor and zip of salt, without the sodium!

1 Quality Fold-a-Cauldron. Easy-to-assemble, genuine simulated cast iron corrugated material. Complete instructions.

1 Fabric Rainbow Disk. No sharp corners to be concerned about. The perfect centerpiece for your own Altar. No worries of offending anyone, as could happen with those misunderstood pentagrams.

1 Sippy-Chalice. For preventing those nasty spills. 

1 Foam staff. Lightweight and easy to carry! Authentic wood-grained pool noodle!

3 Assorted colors soft vinyl "Power Stones." Focus the energy of crystals. Perfect for attaching to your Collapse-a-Wand!(Choking hazard. Not recommended for children under 3 years of age)

1 Booklet, "How to Be One with the White Light, Because There Is No Dark Side, Luke" subtitled: "The Absolutely, Completely Comprehensive Guide to Everything Possible that a Witch Needs to Know to cast Any Spell at All"

BONUS! Order now, and we'll send you our exclusive Fill In The Blanks Book of Light! All the spells you'll ever need, and YOU fill in the names and dates! Quality softcover binding.

All packaged attractively in a lovely carry-case, which unfolds to become your altar cloth.

Rush out and get yours today!

You know you're finally a real Witch when...

1. Your BOS has spots on the pages from spilled brews.

2. When cleaning house you have to specify. "Where is the broom? No, not the broom, where is the one to clean the floor with?"

3. Candle wax has dripped on your keyboard.

4. There are more jars of strange smelling plants in your cupboards than there are cereal boxes.

5. Friends know they can always give you candles and incense as a gift.

6. When watching old re-runs of Bewitched, you find you side with Samantha's mother Endora.

7. When travelling, stranger and stranger strangers tell you their problems.

8. You find yourself making corn dollies in the checkout line at the grocery store (well, I thought about it).

9. You ask for Halloween off, because it's a religious holiday.

10. You start answering the phone with "Merry Meet".

Cheesy Pagan Pick-Up Lines...

10. Hey babe, what's your sign? What's it's ascendant? What is your planet alignment in Venus during Cancer's revolving around the Fourth House?

9. Read any good Llewellyn Books lately?

8. Would you like to come over to my place and widdershens?

7. Haven't I seen you someplace before in another life?

6. Yes, I'm handfasted, but that's not "technically" marriage.

5. So, do you draw down the moon here often?

4. What's a nymph Goddess like you doing in a place like this?

3. You have the prettiest third eye I've ever seen.

2. You're feet must be tired because you've been Spiral Dancing in my mind "all" night long.  

1. Is that a May Pole in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?

You might be a techno-Pagan if...

If your athame has a SCSI interface...

If your OBE's begin with a netsplit...

If your priest robes conceal a pocket protector...

If you calculate the phases of the moon with Windows '95...

If your altar has a keyboard...

If drawing down a circle is a POST (power on self test)...

If you call the Watch Towers on your cell-tell...

If you do most of your correspondence by email and sign off with Blessed Be...

If you don't call it a ritual, you call it a Macro...

If you end a circle with Ctl-Alt-Del...

If you have ever attached ribbons to a May Pole using a staple gun...

If you invite the God and Goddess to come online...

If you keep a Disk of Shadows (with encrypted backups)...

If you participate in online rituals more than you do FTF...

If you refer to eclectic ritual as cross-platforming...

If your Beltane ritual includes more than one news group...

If your candles have batteries...

If your cauldron is a crock-pot...

If your deities include Murphy and Gates...

If your drumming is done on a CD player (pre-recorded)...

If your herbs are always mail-ordered (express, overnight)...

If your idea of a great retreat has a Computer City, electricity, and a TV nearby...

If your incense is by Glade...

If your magic wand is a light pen...

If your magical name, email address, and online name are all the same...

If your magical writing is done in binary code or C++...

If your pentacle is made of computer chips...

If your technician compains about the wax and incense ash on your motherboard...

If, instead of asking what tradition someone comes from, you ask what operating system they run...

If your Yule ritual involves defragmentation...

If your coven is spread over a 12,000 sq. mi. area...

If your Book of Shadows has a 6-digit version number...

If you refer to deities using 3-letter acronyms (ODN, LKI, THR)...

If you do cord magick with ethernet...

If you ritually down your server for Samhain...

If your altar cloth is a mouse pad...

If, when your quarter candles burn out, the UPS backup system kicks in...

If erecting the temple entails formatting more than 4 disks...

If casteing the circle changes an (int) to a (float)...

If your Star Trek screen-saver signals when your meditation period is over...

If your Beltane ritual includes more than one news group...

If passing the cakes and ale entails using a /me command...

If your search for truth involves regular expressions...

If your familiar is a computer mouse...

If you draw down the moon using a light-pen...

If your cone of power has a surge suppressor...

If your tarot cards multi-task...

If your daemons collect news for you...

If your crystal ball has a horizontal-hold control...

If you refer to solitary practice as a stand alone...

If you tap into the collective unconscious using Netscape...

If your favorite deity has a homepage...

If the address of your covenstead begins with http://...

and finally, if your circle is a token ring...

Well, you just might be a TechnoPagan!

You know Your Covens Getting Old When...

The ritual feast is pureed.

Last Beltaine the coven decided it would be nice to go out to dinner to celebrate.

The last time you tried to do a spiral dance your oxygen feeds got tangled.

The maiden of the coven is a grandmother.

The ritual room is outfitted with defibrillators.

The coveners drive their RV's to Scottsdale for Mabon.

When you are at a festival you go to bed at sunset.

It takes the whole coven to move the cauldron.

The high priest still has a vendetta going against Richard Nixon.

You find yourself using your pendulum over the stock pages in the newspaper.

You tell an initiate that in your day you had to slog through five feet of snow uphill both ways when you did a Yule ritual.

You drop your teeth in the ritual cup.

At Samhain you see more of your coveners in the Wild Hunt than you do in circle.

You put your athame in the chalice during ritual but you can't remember why.

You hold an all night blow-out drum frenzy and none of your neighbors noticed.

You use Glenn Miller records for trance music.

All of your ritual robes are tie-dyed

Your coven has a 401(k) retirement plan.

A nitro pill vial replaces the crystal on your pendant.

No one's successfully jumped the Beltaine fire since 1983.

When the coven sings, "Creak and groan, creak and groan . . ."

When you set comfy chairs around the circle.

When you sit on the floor and can't get up again.

You do anointings with Aspercreme.

The oak tree your coven planted died of old age.

You use Bran Muffins and Prune Juice for Cakes & Ale because you need the extra fiber.

You don't use salt to consecrate you altar because you need to stay away from extra sodium.

You use a walker during the Wild Hunt

You prefer to rent a Hall for rituals because the bathrooms are closer.

You need a flashlight to find the candles.